Mandarin Lets Me Speak—Marriage Taught Me What to Say

"Knowing how to speak Chinese doesn't mean you know what to say in Chinese"

In 2019, before my son was born, I began recording a spontaneous series of video reflections—messages to my future child explaining our world in context. As American-born Chinese (ABC), we are ethnically Chinese but raised within a Western system of values. This duality creates dilemmas in how I see myself and manage relationships, especially today amid the escalating tensions of US–China relations, my birthplace, and my heritage. Growing up in Atlanta, Georgia, I always felt caught between two worlds—an American way of life I aspired to embrace and a Chinese heritage of my blood [Between Two Worlds original song].

In one episode that struck a chord with many viewers, I pontificated how marrying someone from mainland China reshaped my understanding of cross-cultural relationships. The reactions reminded me that my journey towards happily-ever-after has uncovered countless insights into the complex web of Chinese behavioral patterns and psychology. I have systematically applied these insights to help myself and others understand their frustrations and develop tactics to resolve them. I want to summarize life-changing marital lessons that elevated my cultural awareness and how they directly apply to deepening Guanxi with any Chinese counterpart.

Introduction: Why Cultural Awareness Begins with Self-Awareness

As an American-born Chinese (ABC), I thought I understood what it meant to be "Chinese." I didn't, and this mistaken reality came crashing down in 2012 during my honeymoon in Las Vegas with my newlywed spouse from mainland China. While we are both descendants from the same Chinese lineage ["我们是龙的传人"], our value differences and conflicting expectations destroyed every assumption I had about Chinese culture, relationships, and my place in the world. What began as a love story unlocked empathy as an instrument to harmonize misperceptions and greater awareness as an agent to align disparate expectations.

Here are five earthshattering truths about relationships repurposed as lessons—each assembled through purposeful listening and rigorous attention to emotions that can be positively influenced and lead to a better shared reality.

Lesson 1: Awareness begins before words are spoken

 "I started having conversations with my unborn son... I want him to develop a healthier attitude, mindset, and approach towards anyone from a different culture."

When I learned I would become a father, I began recording reflections to pass down memories and plant seeds of awareness. I wanted my son to grow up without the cultural blind spots I had. This means looking inward, elevating self-awareness, and recognizing how we are shaped by the environment in which we are raised, as are others born in foreign lands.

Key Takeaway: Cultural empathy isn't taught in school—it starts in the home, with intentional conversations about identity, perceptions, and misperceptions.

Lesson 2: Love challenges the biases you didn't know you had

 "It was never my intention to date or marry someone from mainland China… But love has a strange way of bringing opposites together."

Growing up, I absorbed all the stereotypes about people from mainland China—too materialistic, too controlling, too deceitful. I vowed I'd never marry someone from there. But then I met her. Beautiful, smart, funny, but from Hunan, China, the hometown of Chairman Mao… she was everything I was looking for, except what I didn't know I didn't know (my unknown unknowns). I pursued, she accepted, and the rest is history.

Key Takeaway: You cannot challenge your biases until they're standing in front of you, in the form of someone you care deeply about, eternally.

Lesson 3: It's not about language—It's all about culture

 "There weren't any language barriers... so all our differences boiled down to culture, values, and expectations."

My wife and I are both fluent in Mandarin and English. Despite having zero language barriers, our communications regularly descended into chaos, and we clashed over the most trivial things. I felt confident certain things were irrelevant, only to discover she took serious offense to my dismissiveness. She felt deeply offended and emotional when I dismissed her assertions as unimportant. And I finally realized that language isn't the real impediment to cooperation. Logic is. Myopia is. Culture is. It shapes what we value, what we expect, and how we interpret every interaction. 

Key Takeaway: Words can be translated. Values can be articulated, but emotions cannot be logically interpreted. You'll always misinterpret the intentions of your Chinese counterparts if you fail to comprehend their behavior in the proper cultural context.

Lesson 4: Perseverance is essential for personal growth

 "If it were anyone else, I would've walked away. But when it's your "dream girl," you figure out how to make it work."

We fundamentally saw the world differently, which meant we had to work extra hard to find even a morsel of common ground. Walking away from these contradictions would have been the logical option with anyone else. Still, something worth having justifies the more arduous path.

Key Takeaway: Growth comes in the discomfort of reconciliation, as true happiness demands that we embrace uncertainty for a better tomorrow. We must condition ourselves to pursue outcomes over ego!

Lesson 5: Personal relationships are the bridge to global awareness

 "Americans often perceive the Chinese as unreasonable… But now I understand their thinking and emotions—and I can empathize."

Before I married someone from mainland China, I noticed "Chinese values" from a distance. Now, I understand their human side—why they exist, how they're shaped by history and pragmatism, and where Western misperceptions originate. My cultural transformation is the foundation for my why—improving US-China relations one cross-cultural relationship at a time. Every negotiation, conflict, and misunderstanding I help resolve echoes my life experiences, lived and learned.

Key Takeaway: If you can bridge cultural divides in your personal life, you can do it anywhere.

Closing Reflection: My Family Became My Why

 "Meeting your mom and having you—that's the turning point. Now I can apply my lessons learned to improve US-China relations one relationship at a time."

This isn't a fairytale—it's an ongoing, transformational journey. I didn't just marry across cultures—I discovered how to become a bridge between them.

What the ENTIRE STORY on YouTube!